Day 19 // Austin // BuzzMill //

Day 19 // Austin // BuzzMill //cake


Clerry cocktail every time we pulled over clutching my guts all the way down 400 and 500 whatever miles of interstate this time I gobbled another kambucha or 5 berry juice thing every  time we pulled over for strawberitas which was every 40 minnits or so and cuz I had to use the bathroom and not always cuz I had to pee. We stopped at some truck stop just for 30-45-whatever minnits to exhausted rest, When I came to Plett was passed out with her seat reclined and the NAVCON, which also serves as our Hip Hop and Cunt House 24-7 playlist machine, ripped from its mounting with all its wires ripped out and wrapped in dirty panties and shoved in to a bag from INnOUT. Tho she had hidden the VANGUARD MOBILE impossibly behind the truckstop between the truckstop and an idling Tyson meat truck, she had parked in a way that there was 9 inches of space to get in out the car. Inside the half ambigiously under construction or possiblly demolition truckstop I got the red head  metal head lots of make up counter girl to microwave my burger i was eating to have something to absorb what was left over in my gullet from dallas. I eavesdropped here chatting with her rural texxxiz black and purple dye job 7-11 tailgate party boy and girl friendz; She says shes on day 5 of being sick when shes never sick and she thinks its from putting her fingers in customers soups and drinks when waiting tables.

“ebola?” I suggest.

Seh says no way, She had a friend out west get ebola and she had red eyes and gut rot, her sick was more like a super flu. She gave me my Microwave burger back still in its microwavable bag so I like that truck stop. I also took advantage of 9.99$ knife sale and got one with a qik open, seatbelt cutter, and skull decal.

We got to the CENOTE a few minutes late we was so exhausted from the past 2000 mile sprint we just tummble dout of the car and shoved all the topside boxes in to a tree and just sat in our front seats with the doors open fussing with our make up and watching random Austin Trans Ladies mill about the big front porch of the CENOTE coffee shop. After giving us 10 minutes to get our shenanigans together AUSTIN VAMPIRE QUEEN JENE THORTON MACHINE swooped down upon us and told us to take it chill we was still waiting for one of the locals. Me n Plett Delighted the CENOTE had 2 dozen beers and Ciders and cappucino and salad and a barista with a waxed mustache who switched back and forth between texan french and spanish.

Our Co Readers included Maryam who read a high tension piece about working at a corner store and trained to submit in event of robbery. Jene Vampire Queen read an extra long piece from a new project where any man or woman can find themselves locked up with a strange geek girl who asks you one really invasive question a day and then has sex w you on day 7.

At the end of ther Show we wound up hanging around at the CEE till 1130 chatting with red heads.  But me n Plett had a top secret plan ! we sprint across town at 11:45 trying to intercept CAKE; yet another Charecter from my book who is currently real and in the amerikan south. Except Unfortunatrely we crashed head long in to ACL; AustinCuntLicker Music Fest, and we were imobilised by streets full of dum asses so dum ass that we couldnt move less we run over a shitty white kid with dreads who litagates. due to this bullsheeit I missed cake as she is today living in a condo for the mentally crazy on the south west side of the river.

While this is not the first Time The VANGUARD2014 tour has crossed paths witha charecter from the books This is an important time to talk about the different distinctions of between Fiction and Autogynophiliography. I’ve hinted a few times that some parts of my book here and there are based upon real people and events but any time that happens its totally cooincidential. an excellent example of how this werks is enmeshed with me being on book tour visiting Cake who now lives in Texxiz. I could let this get really complicated really weird real fast if I liked; you see, about 1 year after IGTB ends, except in the real world, Cake came to Metropolitopolis Canadia to come looks for me and Find whatever happened to me being all recovering from brain damage and wandering off to Canadia. not only did she Drive here in her newest Storm Chaser Truck, BIG BOY the GMC 4×4, but of all people who might have been her co-pilot, She’d hooked up with MONDAY MORNING, who since I last seen her har forced the ICECREAM to limp down back roads all the way to DETROIT MOTOR CITY where she’d lived in it for a few short weeks behind a cluster of punk mansions before ICECREAM had been impounded by the COPS as a suspected METH LAB. Some how these two had joined forces after meeting in a vegydiesel tips and tricks message board. Me and Cake in the year 290 was even better than us last time she threw me off a moving truck in a salt dessert 4 years earlier.
To celebrate our reunion I took her to the top of the tallest most dangereous thing we could climb that I’d been able to find in a year of living in  Metropoltopolis; THE 13 STORY ABANDONED AUTOMOTIVE RESEARCH TOWER nestled in to the art lofts tucked in between the  public belt inter yard frieght and municiple megaregion light rail tracks. Let me affirm now that the stories of Cake and me climing factoies in Morteville and her taking terrible idiotic risks and never getting hurt was all true. So I was 10000 more horrible than you could know that taking her there…. no wait lemme tell you; after 4 years apart, only hearing of eachothers schenanigans 3rd h and through grape vine rumours, we were together again and we pulled one another close and we both confessed we thougth of the other all the time and w e totally had all the clever and conection to start a really excellent underground and pseudo legal BX supply and manufacture thing between Califurny and Metropolitopz.  Seconds after roughing out our new trouble pact, Cake tripped over an invisible hole in the dark, plumeted 25 feet to broken glass strewn cement , cracked a pelvis and bust her head and commited to a month in a comma. today 4 years later she are frontal lobe brain damage twins. Except not Twins at all cuz she can still taste and smell and experience anxiety and saddness.

Whats Important to note is that  Monday was there to suport  both of us while I went to watch Cake lie around under a pile of tubes in critical care at SNT MICHEALS HSPITAL every afternoon, 4 years ago. Something more relevant to note would be that Cake now lives in some excellent condo for the mentally unfit . and we’d missed her 11pm curfew.


The next day I prayed to Goddess to use the Vanguard Mobile bring me and Cake together. The Previous Night we had crewed with Jene Vampire Queen out to the Austin Outerland To try to look for a noise punk show with JAIL from OAKLAND with ROTTEN MILK and  FORCED IN TO FEMININITY.  however we was 3 hours late so we just chilled at some noise punk house on the edge of the austin suburbs drinking 4loko. not even flying to Jene’s together as a flock and drinking hella blood all the way could have helped me escape the terrible texiz heat 4 loko brain over.


So I wasnt reunited with Cake until nearly 4pm. We hugged so hard we shot sparks that fuses car doors shut and welded scissors inoperable and killed all phone reception. Plett sez she thought I was gonna toss Cakes 30 feet in the air when she ran up and climbed me in the first 4 seconds we arrived. holding cake off the ground in my arms she asked i we could drive her to a bunch of job interviews. past 5 years Cakes been owning Austin, chilling with Noise radio pirates, building dodecahedron yerts, eatin pickles.  She took us to one of the thriftateriums Cake had infiltrated and me and Plett got 3 more dresses each.

Me n cake hid out in an alley eating Tamales and Starfucks double shots comparing notes on when brain damage means to cant do somthing VS when brain damage means OTHER PEOPL E have to understand you cant so somthing and go deal wiffit, and not complain or try to bother us about it cuz i dont even have the part of my brain I’d neeed to care about any of that.  Its not even matter of you behaving respectfully towards the differently mentally ables; Its that I cant staqnd to see so much time being wasted, you might as well chop that waste in half anmd go talk to a wall.


It fast dawned on us that the  best thaing to do with both of us having awesome simplified chopped and channeled brains ,  The most obvious use of our gift and show of our supperiority would be a 3 hour swimming pool party at jeens, duing which we was attacked by ducks who live in jenes duck pond. (jeen is not rich. but she is a vampire author.  After the pool party where no body took theys clothes off…


buzz mill food

cool apartment

then we began the next 500 miles to NOLlA

the westbound lanes backed up 10 miles not to far outside of town